[anyway he's gonna sit, imagine marie is just standing this entire time, he just sits and spreads his legs out like he's thinking of staying here forever,
well, not forever, maybe. but he's clearly not moving. it's not a fair question, phrased in the way Itsuki's used to speaking, asking others for what they want instead of revealing his own desires,]
[Itsuki's silent, letting the questions echo around him.
kill? he thinks he could, maybe. the emotion is foreign to him, but the action is not. hate? he thinks he does, a little. if only because looking at her reminds him of how much he's failed. himself, buzen, marie. all his half-hearted attempts and words that he's said, and that he's never going to be able to prove.
...regret?]
...I want to keep my promise to you, since I've failed at everything else.
That was my choice from the start, and it's not going to change now.
[to get close to her, and to know her. to ignore her warnings, and to care for her. he can't stop caring for her now, he's never been that kind of person. that's why it's always so hard for him to start. but he thinks he's managed it -- with Marie, ever since they first me.]
...I don't need to know what happened. I just want to know what you're thinking right now.
The anger; her reality, the fact that there's no home or anyone waiting for her to return like all the people around her. The fact that no matter what she does or where she goes the end result will always be the same -- the only world that Marie can live in will be destroyed, and she will die with it.
The fact that she could feel that towards Buzen, towards his kindness, because Wicked so desperately wanted to prove that it wasn't real. It can't be real. Not a single relationship she's formed while here will ever be real.
Because, if it was, why did she spend her entire life being hated? Despised? Forced to endure every single day in pain. ]
I want Buzen-san to be returned to you and everyone else.
[itsuki's had some time to himself already, enough to pull himself from his own misery and emotions, enough time to know that there are others who are hurt just as bad by Buzen's death,
that doesn't stop the tears from forming though, he presses the heel of his hand to his eyes, blinks a little as they fade.]
I want you to get to see him again. [...] And a part of me thinks you will, no matter what happens tomorrow.
[ Don’t you fucking dare say boyfriend when he’s out here fuckin’. ]
Fuck off! I know it’s bullshit!
You wanna kill me, you despise me, you hate even having to look at my face right now — I bet you’re just five seconds away from throwing up from hearing my voice.
You’re all fucking happy that the girl with a fucked up life and a fucked up head is going to hell, right!? One less problem — but ohhhh nooooo if only she didn’t take someone we actually liked…
That's not being honest. That's just saying what you want to hear.
[he's stopped smiling at least, so maybe wicked can claim that as her victory.]
You just want to keep hurting yourself, even though you've been hurt plenty. Because if you do, then you can tell yourself that's the only thing you deserve -- and the only thing you can expect from other people.
Is that why you killed Buzen? Because you were afraid of what his kindness meant? Because he genuinely liked you, and you wanted him to stop proving you wrong?
I hated every second of him trying to comfort me. I wanted to pull his tongue out from the very first day, especially when he started saying shit like he’d always remember me.
[ She leans back from where she’s sitting, hands hanging motionless in her lap. ]
I told him not to get close. I told both of you not to get close, and neither of you listened.
[ Wish she could be normal for more than five seconds.
She stands up, approaching him like she's going to do something -- she raises a hand, balling up her fist, and just lightly smacks him over the head. ]
[Itsuki remains still and sitting, head bowed a little as her fist smacks it. It feels a little like when Marie patted his head, after she'd shared a part of herself with him.]
...I really thought I could say it back.
['i hate you'. he can't say that, but he'll offer this]
I hate what you've done, and I don't think I'll forgive you. [...] But I don't hate you. ...Sorry.
[...why is it that Marie had to be surrounded by people like this? even if Itsuki had grown up unloved and abandoned, he at least had Kazuha, no matter how brief a time. Why was she abandoned? Why was she hated? Why wasn't she given a chance?]
...I'm just myself -- the only person whose mind I know is mine.
[he has only that answer to offer her, even as he sits here with his wet eyes, tears welling at the corners, grief sinking its claws into his heart. grief for marie, grief for buzen, grief for himself.
maybe Wicked wanted to hurt him, maybe he was just collateral damage for what she wanted to achieve. either way, he thinks she's achieved something. buzen's gone and tomorrow -- so will Marie. the two people Itsuki cares most about, gone in a swoop.]
Why can’t he think of himself for once — why can’t he be selfish and make the decision to hate her? It should be simple, she’s seen it time and time again; friendships falling apart at the seems, relationships coming apart over a few simple words.
Why does Itsuki refuse to let go?
… Whatever, she’s tired…
Sinking to her knees, kneeling in front of him, she doesn’t move to hold his hand or lean forward to wipe the tears already pricking the corners of his eyes. ]
You’re a stubborn piece of shit. What’s with you? Why do you wanna give all of yourself to people like this? Doesn’t it hurt like hell? Doesn’t it feel like you wasted your time?
[ In the end, it’ll all just come apart. Break down. ]
… You may not believe me, but I never wanted to kill Buzen. I saw him, I got pissed off, I was seeing red — but it was like a bunch of other feelings were just overflowing out of me. Like I was gonna combust.
Dunno if it’s anything like Kazuma feelin’ like he was mercy killing Ryu, but…
It didn’t feel right.
[ Like she knows when she’s angry cause (hulk voice) she’s always angry ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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... I'm not the one who can tell you that.
[ But he wouldn't like that answer, would he? ]
I only remember Buzen-san approaching me, he had already been bleeding, and then we had collapsed inside the Ferris wheel together.
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...Was Wicked the one who tied the restraints back on you?
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After we reached the top -- [ After Buzen had died. ] everything went black again.
[ Anyway, does he want answers? ]
Do you want to kill me?
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[anyway he's gonna sit, imagine marie is just standing this entire time, he just sits and spreads his legs out like he's thinking of staying here forever,
well, not forever, maybe. but he's clearly not moving. it's not a fair question, phrased in the way Itsuki's used to speaking, asking others for what they want instead of revealing his own desires,]
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... Do you want to kill me?
[ She asks again, the question formed in a tone like she's... egging him on?
Listen, if he wants the answers he's going to have to drag this girl out. ]
Do you hate just looking at my face?
Do you regret meeting me?
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kill? he thinks he could, maybe. the emotion is foreign to him, but the action is not. hate? he thinks he does, a little. if only because looking at her reminds him of how much he's failed. himself, buzen, marie. all his half-hearted attempts and words that he's said, and that he's never going to be able to prove.
...regret?]
...I want to keep my promise to you, since I've failed at everything else.
That was my choice from the start, and it's not going to change now.
[to get close to her, and to know her. to ignore her warnings, and to care for her. he can't stop caring for her now, he's never been that kind of person. that's why it's always so hard for him to start. but he thinks he's managed it -- with Marie, ever since they first me.]
...I don't need to know what happened. I just want to know what you're thinking right now.
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The anger; her reality, the fact that there's no home or anyone waiting for her to return like all the people around her. The fact that no matter what she does or where she goes the end result will always be the same -- the only world that Marie can live in will be destroyed, and she will die with it.
The fact that she could feel that towards Buzen, towards his kindness, because Wicked so desperately wanted to prove that it wasn't real. It can't be real. Not a single relationship she's formed while here will ever be real.
Because, if it was, why did she spend her entire life being hated? Despised? Forced to endure every single day in pain. ]
I want Buzen-san to be returned to you and everyone else.
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[itsuki's had some time to himself already, enough to pull himself from his own misery and emotions, enough time to know that there are others who are hurt just as bad by Buzen's death,
that doesn't stop the tears from forming though, he presses the heel of his hand to his eyes, blinks a little as they fade.]
I want you to get to see him again. [...] And a part of me thinks you will, no matter what happens tomorrow.
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I… I don’t deserve that.
[ She shakes her head, refusing it. ]
To be taken to a place — to the same place as someone so loved, so warm, that’s not something… I deserve.
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...I think you do.
[he's just silently crying, but his gaze is focused on Marie. strange, when he thought he'd never be able to look at her again.]
Because you think you don't deserve it. So it'll hurt even worse when you get it.
[this would sound like a CURSE if Itsuki didn't know exactly what she means,]
You've suffered enough. ...You and her, both.
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HELLO. ]
… Hey. [ She spits out crudely, her eyes narrowing. ]
If you’re gonna keep lying to my face, I’ll beat you to a pulp.
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[HE's been honest in this relationship? he's the good boyfriend?
he won't hide the way his shoulders tense a little at the sound of her voice though,]
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Fuck off! I know it’s bullshit!
You wanna kill me, you despise me, you hate even having to look at my face right now — I bet you’re just five seconds away from throwing up from hearing my voice.
You’re all fucking happy that the girl with a fucked up life and a fucked up head is going to hell, right!? One less problem — but ohhhh nooooo if only she didn’t take someone we actually liked…
Be honest.
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[he's stopped smiling at least, so maybe wicked can claim that as her victory.]
You just want to keep hurting yourself, even though you've been hurt plenty. Because if you do, then you can tell yourself that's the only thing you deserve -- and the only thing you can expect from other people.
Is that why you killed Buzen? Because you were afraid of what his kindness meant? Because he genuinely liked you, and you wanted him to stop proving you wrong?
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Will it make you feel better? Can you rest your head easy knowing that I can’t stand all this fake kindness you guys keep throwing around?
Is it gonna make watching me die feel like nothing of value was lost?
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[...]
Who knows? Maybe if you tell me the truth, then I might finally hate you.
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Yeah.
I hated every second of him trying to comfort me. I wanted to pull his tongue out from the very first day, especially when he started saying shit like he’d always remember me.
[ She leans back from where she’s sitting, hands hanging motionless in her lap. ]
I told him not to get close. I told both of you not to get close, and neither of you listened.
[ She sighs. ]
But you wanna know what I really want?
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This is her moment, essentially, and he's already said he wanted to hear it.]
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... I do wanna be saved.
I just want a place to call home, where I can love people and be loved back.
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...Yeah.
[it's the same answer he gave Marie during trial, when he'd turned his back and walked away. it was just a sound from his lips then, but now?
he means it, because who in the world doesn't want that -- no matter what they've done?]
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I hate you.
[ Wish she could be normal for more than five seconds.
She stands up, approaching him like she's going to do something -- she raises a hand, balling up her fist, and just lightly smacks him over the head. ]
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I. Hate. You.
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...I really thought I could say it back.
['i hate you'. he can't say that, but he'll offer this]
I hate what you've done, and I don't think I'll forgive you. [...] But I don't hate you. ...Sorry.
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Stop tryin' to make it sound like it's impossible! [ Her voice is loud, shrill, but she can't hit him any harder than she has been. ]
My dad, my mom, my grandpa -- the second I was born, they hated me, so why the hell is it so hard for you!?
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...I'm just myself -- the only person whose mind I know is mine.
[he has only that answer to offer her, even as he sits here with his wet eyes, tears welling at the corners, grief sinking its claws into his heart. grief for marie, grief for buzen, grief for himself.
maybe Wicked wanted to hurt him, maybe he was just collateral damage for what she wanted to achieve. either way, he thinks she's achieved something. buzen's gone and tomorrow -- so will Marie. the two people Itsuki cares most about, gone in a swoop.]
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Why can’t he think of himself for once — why can’t he be selfish and make the decision to hate her? It should be simple, she’s seen it time and time again; friendships falling apart at the seems, relationships coming apart over a few simple words.
Why does Itsuki refuse to let go?
… Whatever, she’s tired…
Sinking to her knees, kneeling in front of him, she doesn’t move to hold his hand or lean forward to wipe the tears already pricking the corners of his eyes. ]
You’re a stubborn piece of shit. What’s with you? Why do you wanna give all of yourself to people like this? Doesn’t it hurt like hell? Doesn’t it feel like you wasted your time?
[ In the end, it’ll all just come apart. Break down. ]
… You may not believe me, but I never wanted to kill Buzen. I saw him, I got pissed off, I was seeing red — but it was like a bunch of other feelings were just overflowing out of me. Like I was gonna combust.
Dunno if it’s anything like Kazuma feelin’ like he was mercy killing Ryu, but…
It didn’t feel right.
[ Like she knows when she’s angry cause (hulk voice) she’s always angry ]
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