Itsuki tilts his head like he's thinking of making Wicked go feral -- no, there are a few conversations he's managed to have with Wicked before she died, so it doesn't take long to realize what she's getting at,]
...I don't want her to die. Even if she thinks that's the right choice to make. Even if it means that her friends will be saved.
[he doesn't want marie to die, he's selfish in that way.]
And I don't want you to disappear either.
[this is a new one -- not something he mentioned in their last conversation]
I know you said it's one or the other, but... I'm selfish enough to want both. ...But I'm pretty sure you already knew that. [that he's selfish]
[ He really wants her to put her hands around his throat. She’s thinking about it. ]
How much of this is real?
[ She looks at him again. An urge bubbling in the back of her mind, a sudden rage coursing through her veins. ]
Or is it all just bullshit?
You see… you say all this but you still walked away. You don’t want her to die. You don’t want me to disappear — but I’m sure when people came to comfort you you just nodded your head and agreed that I’m just some fucked up girl, right? Whenever anyone brings up refracting over there, my name isn’t brought up. I don’t think it’s a fucking coincidence, either.
[ She throws her chip down to the table, leaning back. Hand balled up into a fist on the table; knuckles growing white. ]
You looked at her with disdain, you cursed her very existence — the person I was meant to be if I had just grown up normally… and you proved to me that no matter what, I am simply not meant to be a person to be loved. That there’s no world where I can live in.
You left me. [ Nails dig into her palms, biting crescents into her skin. Her teeth sink into her bottom lip out of frustration. ]
You fucking left me… And didn’t even think once of calling out my name. At that point I was just nothing.
[he did leave her. nothing she says... is entirely wrong. Itsuki thinks about the comfort people had offered him. how unfailingly kind they were. because they listened, even when Itsuki had told them that he wanted to be cruel,]
I ran away from her because I wanted to. [like every other time] Because I didn't want to look at her, or you. Because looking meant that I'd have to remember what you did -- even when you were refracted.
[even now, weeks after the fact, Itsuki can't forget it. It's why he can't tell anyone to forgive Danny -- not when he'd had such a hard time with Buzen's death. Refracting? Killing? None of it was their fault. Hearts are so irrational, in the end.
Maybe that's why -- while hating what she did, he still can't let her go -- either of them. That he can hate her, while caring for her at the same time. Maybe that's the biggest cruelty, that he can't stick to just one thing. That he has to love and hurt her both. Because that's who he is, in the end.]
Trusting me, forgiving me... Hating me... That's up to you. But I want you to know that I meant to be cruel then. Just like how I wish I could take it all back now.
Hahahaha… hahaha. [ Sorry if she snorts a little. This is funny?
Or it should be. She wants it to be. It’s so incredibly predictable that someone would want to be cruel to another person after they had hurt their loved one — at this point she was used to it. Her heart so cold that she could brush off other’s resentment mirthfully. ]
I don’t get it. I don’t get it all.
[ The corners of her eyes are wet with tears, and she finally just unravels her fingers. Body slumped in her chair. ]
Why is it so hard for you to let me die, if you’ll just be like the rest and watch me fall?
[Itsuki feels the petals coming up in his throat, but instead of letting them free in an attempt to hide his feelings,]
...You were honest with me back then. You told me what you wanted.
[a place for her to call home, with people who love her and who she loves back]
I want that for you too.
[those are his feelings on it, the truth of them.]
I'm just that selfish of a person. But you always knew that -- you were the first person to know. [making decisions on his own, retreating from people while trying to get close to them, on and on] Sorry, Wicked. Marie. I can't make this a clean break. I don't want to, not when I still care about the both of you.
I can forgive you, cause from the very beginning I've been wanting to hurt myself. Wanting to destroy that pathetic half of me, because I kept telling myself that I've given up on living -- that I'm fine with my friends killing me. Just like her.
Neither of us wanna die.
[ She takes in a breath. ]
You're a selfish bastard. You pushed and pushed and pushed -- and now I'm here thinking that I can possibly fucking live through all the shit going on back home. That there's a chance that... even if I'm not the one who wakes up, she will.
I hate you for it. I love you for it.
[ platonic btw i feel like i need to specify this in meta before you come into my dms screaming crying and throwing up. She shakes her head, shrugging. ]
I don't fucking get it, either, but if you're gonna say all this shit you better expect me to stick around. [ There's no petal swallowing, she's being honest: ] So please don't leave me again, if you really mean all of this.
[he's just so sad, but he's also happy. yet another contradiction. a smile breaks across his face, just upon hearing that Wicked and Marie both want to live, no matter what.]
...I won't.
[he puts his hand on the table between them, palm up. not reaching for hers, but just waiting, instead. if she wants to touch him, she can.]
No matter how hard it is. I won't leave you or Marie-chan again.
[he thinks about buzen's words 'i want to save her'. he wants to too, but maybe he lost that right already. instead, he wants to support her. to be here for her, no matter what the either of them decide.
he doesn't want to keep her in a dream of his own making. he wants to see her live in a world that accepts her,]
Itsuki holds onto her hand, his grip tightening reflexively. It's been weeks but he'd never forget those words, or the sound of her voice when she said that,]
She let's go of his hand, flinching away like she's been burned.
And then stands up to walk over to his side of the booth and sit next to him. She's not even going to hesitate to curl up against him -- sorry Buzen -- and just finishing crying in his shoulder.
[it's okay he can take off his clothes later i mean]
Hm. You know about where I come from -- and you know about my sister...
[...he looks at his hands,]
I left Kazuha too, you know? She was really sick. We didn't have any good doctors around like Chang-kun or Jiu-chan -- much less doctors who'd help kids like us. So at some point, I knew that I'd lose her.
I was so scared. I wanted her to live. I was willing to do anything -- sleep with anyone. But she was so sick... and she was so sad. She fell in love with someone -- one of her clients, but he never came back to see her. All she did was cry about him, and that made me angry. I wanted her to get better -- not get sad over some guy.
So one day, I ran away from her. I came back, but... I still left her when she asked me not to. ...I wonder if that's what killed her in the end? That guy may never have come back, but I threw her away too -- just like he did.
[ i grab itsuki and become such a hard stan that i donate to his fansites
But she's quiet when he tells his story; his life, his sadness, and the fact that he said too. When she notices the way he looks at his hands, she gingerly places a hand on top of his.
She's here. Just like he is for her. ]
... I'm really not the best at comforting people. Sorry. [ Marie does a better job at doing that. ] But you were a kid too, right? All those emotions basically go haywire, and you were left to figure something as important as saving someone's life all on your own...
...You're here, listening to me. That's more than enough.
[that age-old guilt is still there, but... he doesn't feel guilty that Wicked has to hear this. maybe it's because it's actually his choice this time, and not a memory forced out of him.]
I was a kid, yeah, but... she spent her entire life protecting me. ...She had a power. The power of illusions. She'd use that to give dreams to people -- that's how we made money too. When she got sick, she gave that power to me. She looked after me, even at the end.
I used that to survive. To give nice dreams to people... A lot of people wanted to live in their dreams forever. [his voice is quieter here] When Marie-chan mentioned the virtual world... It reminded me of that.
Handing it off to you… it probably meant that she wanted you to give her a nice dream, right? [ She pauses, flinching. ] Sorry. I dunno. [ That probably makes it sound worse that he left AAAAAAAAH. ]
Living in your dreams isn’t always the best though. I… I can’t face reality, but I know Marie can. But that’s somethin’ else entirely.
[ FUCK Redo me and all my homies hate Bluffman. ]
I’m sure your sister is still lookin’ out for you. Somewhere. And she’s healthy, just waiting for the day you guys reunite — and then she can show you where her soul has gone to rest easy.
[kazuha right now, ignoring itsuki: wicked is so cute]
...I'm like that too, I think. I lived in my dreams for so long. When I got here... I couldn't use my power, so I couldn't hide either. It took a while to adjust.
[the way he just wanted to peep into everyone's dreams and figure out how to deal with them without actually getting close to anyone, wow.]
I think Kazuha would be proud too. That I learned not to rely on dreams so much. She'd always been good at that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Itsuki tilts his head like he's thinking of making Wicked go feral -- no, there are a few conversations he's managed to have with Wicked before she died, so it doesn't take long to realize what she's getting at,]
...I don't want her to die. Even if she thinks that's the right choice to make. Even if it means that her friends will be saved.
[he doesn't want marie to die, he's selfish in that way.]
And I don't want you to disappear either.
[this is a new one -- not something he mentioned in their last conversation]
I know you said it's one or the other, but... I'm selfish enough to want both. ...But I'm pretty sure you already knew that. [that he's selfish]
no subject
How much of this is real?
[ She looks at him again. An urge bubbling in the back of her mind, a sudden rage coursing through her veins. ]
Or is it all just bullshit?
You see… you say all this but you still walked away. You don’t want her to die. You don’t want me to disappear — but I’m sure when people came to comfort you you just nodded your head and agreed that I’m just some fucked up girl, right? Whenever anyone brings up refracting over there, my name isn’t brought up. I don’t think it’s a fucking coincidence, either.
[ She throws her chip down to the table, leaning back. Hand balled up into a fist on the table; knuckles growing white. ]
You looked at her with disdain, you cursed her very existence — the person I was meant to be if I had just grown up normally… and you proved to me that no matter what, I am simply not meant to be a person to be loved. That there’s no world where I can live in.
You left me. [ Nails dig into her palms, biting crescents into her skin. Her teeth sink into her bottom lip out of frustration. ]
You fucking left me… And didn’t even think once of calling out my name. At that point I was just nothing.
no subject
[he did leave her. nothing she says... is entirely wrong. Itsuki thinks about the comfort people had offered him. how unfailingly kind they were. because they listened, even when Itsuki had told them that he wanted to be cruel,]
I ran away from her because I wanted to. [like every other time] Because I didn't want to look at her, or you. Because looking meant that I'd have to remember what you did -- even when you were refracted.
[even now, weeks after the fact, Itsuki can't forget it. It's why he can't tell anyone to forgive Danny -- not when he'd had such a hard time with Buzen's death. Refracting? Killing? None of it was their fault. Hearts are so irrational, in the end.
Maybe that's why -- while hating what she did, he still can't let her go -- either of them. That he can hate her, while caring for her at the same time. Maybe that's the biggest cruelty, that he can't stick to just one thing. That he has to love and hurt her both. Because that's who he is, in the end.]
Trusting me, forgiving me... Hating me... That's up to you. But I want you to know that I meant to be cruel then. Just like how I wish I could take it all back now.
no subject
Hahahaha… hahaha. [ Sorry if she snorts a little. This is funny?
Or it should be. She wants it to be. It’s so incredibly predictable that someone would want to be cruel to another person after they had hurt their loved one — at this point she was used to it. Her heart so cold that she could brush off other’s resentment mirthfully. ]
I don’t get it. I don’t get it all.
[ The corners of her eyes are wet with tears, and she finally just unravels her fingers. Body slumped in her chair. ]
Why is it so hard for you to let me die, if you’ll just be like the rest and watch me fall?
no subject
...You were honest with me back then. You told me what you wanted.
[a place for her to call home, with people who love her and who she loves back]
I want that for you too.
[those are his feelings on it, the truth of them.]
I'm just that selfish of a person. But you always knew that -- you were the first person to know. [making decisions on his own, retreating from people while trying to get close to them, on and on] Sorry, Wicked. Marie. I can't make this a clean break. I don't want to, not when I still care about the both of you.
no subject
I can forgive you, cause from the very beginning I've been wanting to hurt myself. Wanting to destroy that pathetic half of me, because I kept telling myself that I've given up on living -- that I'm fine with my friends killing me. Just like her.
Neither of us wanna die.
[ She takes in a breath. ]
You're a selfish bastard. You pushed and pushed and pushed -- and now I'm here thinking that I can possibly fucking live through all the shit going on back home. That there's a chance that... even if I'm not the one who wakes up, she will.
I hate you for it. I love you for it.
[ platonic btw i feel like i need to specify this in meta before you come into my dms screaming crying and throwing up. She shakes her head, shrugging. ]
I don't fucking get it, either, but if you're gonna say all this shit you better expect me to stick around. [ There's no petal swallowing, she's being honest: ] So please don't leave me again, if you really mean all of this.
no subject
...I won't.
[he puts his hand on the table between them, palm up. not reaching for hers, but just waiting, instead. if she wants to touch him, she can.]
No matter how hard it is. I won't leave you or Marie-chan again.
[he thinks about buzen's words 'i want to save her'. he wants to too, but maybe he lost that right already. instead, he wants to support her. to be here for her, no matter what the either of them decide.
he doesn't want to keep her in a dream of his own making. he wants to see her live in a world that accepts her,]
no subject
... I --
[ She breathes, her voice cracking. ]
I'm scared... I'm scaaaaaared...
no subject
Itsuki holds onto her hand, his grip tightening reflexively. It's been weeks but he'd never forget those words, or the sound of her voice when she said that,]
no subject
She let's go of his hand, flinching away like she's been burned.
And then stands up to walk over to his side of the booth and sit next to him. She's not even going to hesitate to curl up against him -- sorry Buzen -- and just finishing crying in his shoulder.
Weh. ]
no subject
we all know itsuki is a slut for skinship, but he's careful with her, leaning towards her as she curls up against him, crying.]
...I'm here for you. For the both of you.
[quietly, he holds out his hand to summon a pristine white hankie for her]
no subject
But she'll still take the hankie. Sniffle. ]
... So when are you gonna tell me more about you? You basically know my whole life and got me to say the l-word.
cw: prostitution, sickness
Hm. You know about where I come from -- and you know about my sister...
[...he looks at his hands,]
I left Kazuha too, you know? She was really sick. We didn't have any good doctors around like Chang-kun or Jiu-chan -- much less doctors who'd help kids like us. So at some point, I knew that I'd lose her.
I was so scared. I wanted her to live. I was willing to do anything -- sleep with anyone. But she was so sick... and she was so sad. She fell in love with someone -- one of her clients, but he never came back to see her. All she did was cry about him, and that made me angry. I wanted her to get better -- not get sad over some guy.
So one day, I ran away from her. I came back, but... I still left her when she asked me not to. ...I wonder if that's what killed her in the end? That guy may never have come back, but I threw her away too -- just like he did.
no subject
But she's quiet when he tells his story; his life, his sadness, and the fact that he said too. When she notices the way he looks at his hands, she gingerly places a hand on top of his.
She's here. Just like he is for her. ]
... I'm really not the best at comforting people. Sorry. [ Marie does a better job at doing that. ] But you were a kid too, right? All those emotions basically go haywire, and you were left to figure something as important as saving someone's life all on your own...
I wouldn't compare you to that guy, though.
no subject
He folds his hand over hers, squeezing lightly.]
...You're here, listening to me. That's more than enough.
[that age-old guilt is still there, but... he doesn't feel guilty that Wicked has to hear this. maybe it's because it's actually his choice this time, and not a memory forced out of him.]
I was a kid, yeah, but... she spent her entire life protecting me. ...She had a power. The power of illusions. She'd use that to give dreams to people -- that's how we made money too. When she got sick, she gave that power to me. She looked after me, even at the end.
I used that to survive. To give nice dreams to people... A lot of people wanted to live in their dreams forever. [his voice is quieter here] When Marie-chan mentioned the virtual world... It reminded me of that.
no subject
Handing it off to you… it probably meant that she wanted you to give her a nice dream, right? [ She pauses, flinching. ] Sorry. I dunno. [ That probably makes it sound worse that he left AAAAAAAAH. ]
Living in your dreams isn’t always the best though. I… I can’t face reality, but I know Marie can. But that’s somethin’ else entirely.
[ FUCK Redo me and all my homies hate Bluffman. ]
I’m sure your sister is still lookin’ out for you. Somewhere. And she’s healthy, just waiting for the day you guys reunite — and then she can show you where her soul has gone to rest easy.
So don’t be so hard on yourself.
no subject
...I'm like that too, I think. I lived in my dreams for so long. When I got here... I couldn't use my power, so I couldn't hide either. It took a while to adjust.
[the way he just wanted to peep into everyone's dreams and figure out how to deal with them without actually getting close to anyone, wow.]
I think Kazuha would be proud too. That I learned not to rely on dreams so much. She'd always been good at that.